tesg's big dumb movies
movie reviews that have almost nothing to do with the actual movie

more fun place for movie reviews: ksl movie show fridays at 10:00am (mountain)

tesg has started doing real movie reviews at film-tech in the Forums (see "Film Handlers Movie Reviews")

tesg photographs cinemas because there are worse hobbies to have.
lots of said images are featured in the cinemas section at cinematour.com on various state pages and tours.

The average moviegoer cares about two things when going to the movies...Cup holders and stadium seating.  Beyond that, as long as the presentation rates close to their fifteen-year-old Sears tabletop television set back in the family room, they're fine.  No, they don't care about digital sound.  They THINK they do, but watch what happens in a crowded theatre if the digital fails and the analog backup kicks in.  Or if one of the 5.1 channels is out.  NOTHING happens.  Not ONE patron will get up to complain about it.  Why?  Because they "can't tell the difference".  I guess I can't blame them...Management in most cases wouldn't fix the problem anyway.  They're not making any money showing the movie.  They're really in the popcorn-selling business.

300

Could have been the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode ever.

The 40-Year Old Virgin

In the middle of the show, an employee…complete with orange cone flashlight…came in to the auditorium, walked halfway up the upper tier, and spent a few minutes observing.  WHAT he was observing, I don’t know.  Maybe he just wanted to show off his cool flashlight.  I would if I had one.  I’d be all like “Hey!  How ya doin’?  Enjoying the show?  Something's wrong with the subwoofer?  We don’t need no stinking subwoofers!  Check out my FLASHLIGHT!  Embrace the orangeness of my flashlight!  Orange orange orange orange…”

A Prairie Home Companion

Ever listened to the radio show?  Me neither.  Okay.  But I wouldn't mind attending the broadcast after watching this.  

Adaptation

"Adaptation" is a movie about a guy adapting a book about an orchid poacher into a screenplay...but the movie we're watching is actually the screenplay he ended up writing.  The ending is supposed to be ironic because he didn't want it to end in people getting shot and car crashes, then HE ends up really in these situations, so that's how it ends.  Confused?  Let me put it to you another way..."Eh".

AI - Artificial Intelligence

So I have my ticket, popcorn, and unusually large soda.  Ticket boy takes the slip and tells me to go to Auditorium 16 to my left.  But I know for a fact that Auditorium 16 is to the right.  So I say "No, it's over there."  He's in a bad mood anyway and gets snippy.  I'm also in a bad mood.  So tell him to shut up because he's a minimum wage ticket taker at a sucky monsterplex nobody cares about.  And by the way, they have stale Milk Duds.  So he takes a swing, thinking I'm defenseless because my hands are full of popcorn and an unusually large soda.  So I smack him with the hand that has the soda.  The soda explodes in a dazzling splash of syrupy fountain-drawn splendor all over his Supercuts coif.  He's stunned.  I get overzealous and just start wailing on the little punk.  Right right right right kick kick right right...Then somebody hits me from behind and I realize another employee has joined the fray.  Then two more.  But I'm holding my own with some swift kicks and one of those poles with the retractable strap to make standby lines when the auditorium isn't ready.  Popcorn, blood, and dark brown soda is everywhere.  The girls at the snack bar have abandoned their posts and are throwing boxes of stale Milk Duds at me.  The other patrons are getting annoyed because we're basically taking up the width of the hallway and they can't get around us to go to their movies.  So after I get done beating the crap out of every employee in the building, we all go to our auditoriums and sit down.  Unfortunately, I forgot to leave somebody standing to go upstairs and start the movies.  So we all sit around with our popcorn and just sort of leave after it's gone.

None of this is true of course, and it's too bad because it would have been WAY more entertaining than this stupid sucky movie.

Ali

This film needed an intermission and we got one...when the film broke.  The first kid to arrive in the booth totally freaked out and looked horrified.  He paced around, called out on his radio, looked like he was wetting his pants.  Then a second kid showed up and he appeared to think the whole thing was pretty funny.  About this time, another kid appeared in the auditorium and told us (exact quote) “5 minutes and we’re sorry.”  Nobody seemed to mind, and the snack bar actually got some business out of the deal. 

American Graffiti

Did you know that George Lucas used to make movies without a single big alien Muppet?  Well, unless you count Wolfman Jack...

American Beauty

If you got nothing out of the dancing bag scene, you probably liked "The Mummy".

An American Haunting

One of the early scenes is in a teenage girl's bedroom.  Over her bed is a movie poster for "Monster".  And I'm thinking "Why in the world would a teenage girl have THAT poster on her wall?"  Well, by the end of the movie, we know.  Too bad everything in between was just smoke and mirrors.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Fridley Theaters Copper Creek saw fit to put this in Auditorium 5, their largest.  The film was shot in a pretty narrow presentation, so Fridley compensated by masking the screen as narrow as possible, then just cutting off about a quarter of the bottom of the picture, something nobody would have noticed except for the scene where the dog and the bears are conversing with captions.  Half of the top row of the captions appear at the bottom of the screen.  I'm sitting in the 3rd row and can see enough to figure out there's a line and a half of caption lost in the mask and maybe even the floor, so this joke is completely lost.  Seconds after the scene ends, the projectionist bumps the picture up.  Too late.  But now the top of everybody's head is cut off.  How lovely.  They should have just put this in a smaller auditorium that could handle the narrow masking and left Spider-Man 2 in here.  Demand wasn't that high.  That doesn't even cover the sound issues...The left-front audio channel was out, the delay between the front and surround fields was a blatant half-second off, and the movie kept jumping between digital and analog.  This was just a pure crapfest.  Which was fitting, because so was the movie.  Ben Stiller's cameo meant that he has been in three of the worst movies I have seen this year.  Way to go for the hat trick.

Anything Else

I was seduced into seeing this by the lure of Christina Ricci and Stockard Channing.  How could it go wrong?  Oh yeah...Woody Allen.  Woody Allen doing Woody Allen is bad enough.  Jason Biggs doing Woody Allen is WAY beyond tolerable.

Art School Confidential

Is it a biting satire on art school?  Is it a murder mystery?  Is it good?  NO.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

The fake policy trailer just before the movie was the best part of the whole show.  The show itself was the television series with more foul language and sexual content.  That really didn't make it any better.

As Good As It Gets

I say to Dwayne, "You have GOT to see this movie.  It's hilarious."  He says "I don't know, it doesn't look like my kind of movie."  I insist several times over a couple of weeks.  Each time, he becomes more defensive, finally resorting to yelling "That movie sucks!" one day.  Then this idiot has the sheer audacity to show up at my house one day and say "My FRIEND says 'As Good as it Gets' is awesome!  I have to go see that!"  Monkey spank.

Assault on Precinct 13

This movie could have been really really cool if they did the exact same movie up to the assembly of the marooned cast...then turned it into an all-night "Breakfast Club" type-deal. No bad guys coming in to kill everybody. No explosions. Dialogue, relationships, and maybe some shenanigans. The prisoners get back on the bus at the end (the next morning) and head on their way, and everybody else goes home.

Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

This movie was even more brilliant because I didn't know who played Dr. Evil until I actually saw the movie.  It's still brilliant, even after being bastardized by the two sequels. 

Austin Powers - The Spy who Shagged Me

Two I know who saw the movie ahead of release (they work in the industry) said "Crass toilet humor" and "not funny at all".  They were half right.

Austin Powers in Goldmember

Same two I know who saw "The Spy who Shagged Me" ahead of release said of Goldmember "Laughed hysterically straight through".  THIS is the movie that they should have said what they said of "The Spy who Shagged Me".

The Aviator

Apparently Cinemark has stopped installing retractable armrests in their new builds.  Cheap bastards.

The Bad News Bears

Billy Bob Thornton: Good.  Rest of movie: Bad.

Bad Santa

Is any movie filmed in a mall bad?  Is any movie filmed in a mall GOOD?  I’m confused.  I need a soda.  Okay, I got a soda.  And I have this figured out.  Billy Bob Thornton is in it, so it’s a good movie.  But it’s still a mall movie.  I need another soda…  

The Bank Job

As I approach the snack bar, Smiling Counter Girl...in a really syrupy voice...says "Can I get you a large popcorn and Coke today?"

It's the newest thing in upsell technology.  Just tell the customer what you want them to get.

I spent the entire pre-show coming up with possible answers to that question. The ones I'll probably actually try in the future are:

1. "No." (Then just stand there, staring.) 
2. "No. Guess again." (And make them. Eventually, tell them you wanted lasagna.) 
3. "No." (Then leave, looking sad, ignoring them no matter how much they yell "Wait!" behind you.) 
4. "Is that would YOU would get if you were in my situation?" 
5. "Okay, but you're paying for it."

Batman and Robin

Some Denver talk radio show where they review movies was discussing the problem with going to movies in Boulder, CO.  "They're all health nuts and their farts stink!"  As it happens, I'm staying just outside Boulder near the Mann Colony 12, and that's where I see "Batman and Robin".  Holy crap...They're not kidding.

Batman Begins

I walk up to the ticket seller and say "Batman Returns", realized what I'd said and immediately felt stupid.  She didn't say a word about it.  I wish they DID run "Batman Returns".  It would have been WAY better than this piece of crap.  And "Batman Returns" wasn't that good in the first place.

Be Cool

About the time they rehash the "Cadillac of Minivans" joke,  you know this sequel is in trouble.  Luckily, it gets better as it goes, instead of the other way around.

Beowulf

I don't recall reading any story in school where some troll gets annoyed at his neighbor's loud parties, but everybody says it was a high school requirement.  Maybe I just went to a crappy high school.  Or a better high school.

Bewitched

A B-rate romantic comedy disguised as a "Bewitched" redux.  You SHOULD be angry.

Big Fish

A good movie tells a story.  This is a movie about a guy who tells stories and his idiot son who doesn't understand the difference between life and living.  Moron.  

Blades of Glory

I've driven seven hours, the restaurant I was going to have lunch at has shut down, I'm tired, in a bad mood, and hungry.  I NEED a good comedy.  Unfortunately, I saw this instead.  

The Blair Witch Project

Dwayne (see "As Good as it Gets") and I went to Ames 12 late on a Sunday night because we figured "who'd be there?"  The question was quickly answered when we arrived and found a line from the ticket windows to across the front drive.  Of course it was on the biggest screen so the vomit factor was high.  It was so much cooler to see it at the Valle Drive-In, amidst the corn and dark night...

Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows

I am one of the few people who actually liked "Blair 2".  Those hoping for the first movie revisited were horribly disappointed, of course.  But for your average teen slasher flick (which has to be pretty good for me to like), I liked it.  If they had marketed this exact same movie under a different horror franchise, it would have performed better at the box office than it did.  Think about it...If they did nothing more than change the witch to Freddy Kruger and called it "A Nightmare on Elm St: Book of Shadows", everybody would have bought into and it would have been lauded as a "highly original take on the Nightmare on Elm Street films".

The Bourne Supremacy

I have no idea what was going on in this movie, but it RULED.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

My date for the show was a woman who simply replaced failing electricity in her house with more candles and who claimed her family had the ability to sense death.  And this movie disturbed HER.

Bring it On

"Hello?" "Mr. Graham?" "Yes." "This is the (name of company) office."  "Hello." We converse but he sounds very distracted so I say "I have to apologize for the noise, I have no control over it...I'm in a movie theatre."  This clearly threw him for a loop, but it was no big deal...I WAS the only person in the theatre, and Regal Sherwood 10's  sound really sucked anyway.  But whoda thunk a campy movie about cheerleaders would be one of the better films of the year.

Brokeback Mountain

SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG PLACE TO WATCH A MOVIE: When the ticket counter has a full-page memo posted advising you why your car is going to get broken into and why the theatre isn't liable. Said memo started out explaining that there's an organized crime ring going around breaking into cars. It went into great detail about what people were stealing and how long it takes to perform a smash-and-grab. (Ten seconds, if you were wondering.)

Bruce Almighty

...So is Jim Carrey just going to do movies that are essentially a tip of the hat to Capra now?!?

Cape Fear (remake)

My first drive-in experience in nearly 20 years was the South Ottumwa Drive-In (Ottumwa, IA) with ex-girlfriend-from-hell #3 and friends.  We didn't like the movie because we couldn't understand the dialogue.  What horrible sound!  A few weeks later I saw it again at the Cottage View Drive-In (Cottage Grove, MN) with pristine sound.  The movie has been one of my all-time favorites ever since.

Capote

You know what they need at the end of a movie like this?  A blooper reel.

Cars

Stunningly beautiful.  But I liked the story better when it was "Desert Blue".

Casino Royale

So the movie ends, and...no wait...now it's ending.  No...Now?  Now?  How about now?  No, now we're on some whole new subplot and...You're ending it THERE?!?

Castaway

I saw an antenna ball of "Wilson" on a car once.  PLEASE tell me it was homemade.

Cats and Dogs

Megaplex 17 at Jordan Commons in Salt Lake City has what is referred to as the "Cricket SuperScreen", named so because it's sponsored by Cricket Communications, a wireless carrier whose television marketing revolves around a green vinyl couch (there's one in the auditorium and you can sit in it while you watch the movie.)

The Super Screen is a large format house showing the movies you usually find playing at your local IMAX.  It's about 60 feet high and about 80 feet wide.  They also run 35mm movies on this screen.  The problem being that modern movies are significantly wider than tall, so only about a third-to-half  of that big screen is really used for major releases.  Still, you have about a 70-foot-wide presentation.

I saw "Cats and Dogs" on this screen with an audience of about 300 guessing off the top of my head.  The audience was one of the most well behaved audiences I've ever seen in a theatre.  And it was by far and above small CHILDREN!  Those kids could teach Iowans something about theatre etiquette to be sure.

Cellular

Advertised start time of movie: 1:55pm.  Actual start time of projector: 1:58pm.  Five or six television commercials, one 20th anniversary "Front Row Joe" ad, several trailers, and one Dolby Digital "Stomp" trailer later, the movie starts.  Time: 2:18pm.  The movie played in 5.1 with a really flat, analog-like sound...very little high end.  The one good thing about this experience...The movie itself, which was a pleasant surprise.  The trailer made this movie look kind of dark and creepy.  But it's actually a fun action flick with some decent comedic elements.  

Changing Lanes

This movie would have been over in about ten minutes if I were in the role Samuel L Jackson played.  I would have taken the blank check, written it out to me for a half million dollars, cashed it, disappeared, and had a nice day.  Because frankly, when it comes down to it, Jackson's family in that movie SUCKED.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I read "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" when I was in the third or fourth grade. A couple of years later, I saw Gene Wilder's movie. It was then that I learned about how movies don't always translate books, and basically stopped reading books.

Watching this new Burton version was a good example of that thinking in action. Wife #1, who has never read the book nor seen the Gene Wilder film, LOVED this one. I'm sure she'd be nitpicking if she were familiar with the book.

Books suck. 

Chicken Little

This is a historical moment!  I'm watching a movie projected in a theatre by something OTHER THAN FILM!  IT'S NOT FILM!  THIS IS A REVOLUTION!  AND IT'S IN 3-D!  I HAVE THESE GREEN GOOFY GLASSES!  WOW!  Wait...What did I see again?

Chicago

This is a brilliantly-shot musical variation on the “women in prison” genre.  The numbers are well done and do their job telling the story, the integration of musical/non-musical shots are well thought out, and Renee Zellweger turns in another outstanding performance that will be talked about for years.  This may be the most well-done film I have ever hated.  And make no mistake about it…I absolutely hated this film.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I've never been much of a fan of faux biblical epics.  But I liked this one.  Except Edmund.  Edmund sucks.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

AQUAMAN?  I sat through all that crap just so AQUAMAN could save the day?!?

Cinderella Man

Ticket sales tonight are being handled at the snack bar.  Immediately in front of me in the ticket line are two chubby pre-teenage girls wearing a whole lotta pink. The one on the right, who has a button on her pink headband that says "THIS BORES ME", is doing all the talking, and the subject is the "Bewitched" poster. "But on that show...that show...That 70's show...they talk about it all the time! Which show's better...'Bewitched', or...or...or...'I Dream...of Jeannie'."  They get up to the counter. Then she turns forward and freezes. Just freezes. Ticket Guy is looking at her. I'm looking at her. Her friend is looking at her...until her friend finally shouts "THE TRAVELING PANTS MOVIE!" Then she starts telling the girl who froze about how she'll pay her back next week. Girl on the right comes to her senses and says "YOU don't have any MONEY?!?" Girl on the left: "I have fifteen dollars but it has to last until the weekend." Not that it mattered...Girl on the right pulls out a wad of bills as if she was some old lady fresh from a good night at the casino. She's still holding the money in her hand when she points at the candy in the display and says "M and M's..." before the guy interrupts her and says she has to get the snacks in the other line. That's what happened...She didn't freeze...She was hypnotized by the candy.

Collateral Damage

As soon as you saw how much time they spent showing them going through security with the toy, didn't you say "PLOT POINT! PLOT POINT!"?  Eh.

The Condemned

Don't you hate it when a character can't hit a target with two machine guns spraying bullets...but can lob a bomb perfectly at the same target?  

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

I don't know what happened during the past week, but suddenly my website started getting feedback...more feedback than it has in all of 2002.  Anyway, one of the feedback notes asked if I'd been back to Ames 12 or Cinemark Merriam recently.  Apparently, he'd done a Google search on the word "Cinemark" and found his way here, and was concerned about presentation issues I had noted.  He says that Cinemark has gone to an in-house engineer setup, and each theatre has made great strides to improve quality.  So maybe it was with that in mind that I did notice a striking improvement in audio quality at Ames 12 today, even when Movie Tunes played.  In any case, every show I've attended at Ames 12 this year has been flawless presentation-wise, so don't be thinking I'm out to be negative all the time.

Chuck Barris is absolutely full of crap.  But in this case, crap made for an unbelievably good film.  Good for Chuck.

Constantine

If everything I've ever learned about the Catholic faith came from movies, I would think that Catholicism was heavily based around depressed figures deeply involved in the supernatural.  This movie continues right along that line of thinking.  So my conclusion is...um...uh...

The Count of Monte Cristo

I was about halfway through this movie when I thought to myself "I bet this is what Wife #1's romance novels are all like."  At the end of the show, Wife #1 said "Wow.  That was just like watching one of my romance novels!"

Corpse Bride

Subject header of this week's Century showtimes e-mail: "You're not dead you're married!" That is SO true.

Crimson Tide

Hidden in the trees west of Hartford, Michigan, is the creepiest drive-in I've ever seen.  Then again, Hartford is the creepiest town I've ever seen.  The local law enforcement consisted of a very bitter old man we encountered twice...once when he had two kids spread-eagle against the back of a car...the second time after the show when the clerk at a convenience store said to him in a very stern tone "Don't blame me if you see my car tearing all over.  He's got it and I'm working."  He gave her one long cold stare and finally muttered "Alright then."  Back at the drive-in (the "Sunset") was a real live zombie at the ticket window.  "We got FM sound now" he said as his voice trailed off and he looked towards the...distance..."Sounds pretty good" he muttered, almost to himself.  The bathroom was riddled with graffiti that I finally figured out was actually intended.  "Buy hot dogs".  "Drugs are bad".  The snack bar kids reminded me of a Victory Church congregation, except they never smiled.  Our motel manager in Kalamazoo: "The people in the woods are kind of strange."  Someday, I'm going to make a horror movie based on that town.

The Da Vinci Code

Most boring Scooby Doo episode EVER.

The Dance

The so-called "Mornon Cinema" genre has gone from limited release narrow box office success to practically straight-to-video business.  And that's sad, especially in this case, because this is a REALLY good movie that should have done a million or two at the box office, and I want to see these guys get to make more movies.

Dante's Peak

The rule of thumb in my house is that, if I think a movie is really really bad, it will instantly become one of Wife #1's favorites.  It happened with Independence Day.  It happened with Armageddon.  It happened with The Mummy.  If you think I am EVER going to let her watch Godzilla, you've got another thing coming.

So it only made sense that she demanded to see Dante's Peak when I told her how bad it was.  So we saw it, and I remember turning to her when the volcano started to act up and saying "I know you can't possibly believe this, but this is where the movie starts to get dumb."  In the end, Dante's Peak was so bad, even Wife #1 thought it was bad. 

Dawn of the Dead

Holy CRAP this movie was stupid.  But it appeared to be trying to be stupid, so it was actually kind of fun.

Detroit Rock City

National Amusements' "Showcase Cinemas 53", contrary to its name, does NOT have 53 screens.  It has 18.  The "53" is because it's just off 53rd St (in Davenport).  "DRC" opening weekend meant me alone in an auditorium where the digital presentation shut itself off a minute or two into the movie in favor of a horrible backup analog.  A trip back to the "Customer Service" stand (yes, they really have one) to complain produced...laughter.  That was my last trip to the 53.  But the movie was pretty cool if you're a KISS fan.

Dinosaur

The graphics had the most amazing computer animation to date.  I was in awe.  Unfortunately, the animals started talking.

Dr. Dolittle 2

I've never seen such a crowd at the Valle Drive-In.  They parked cars up the grass by the entrance, parallel parked pickup trucks down the exit lane...The bathroom line was never-ending and the snack bar line was long out both doors.  Of course, they were also showing "Shrek" after "Dolittle."  Which is good because "Dolittle" sucked.

Desert Blue

Christina Ricci pouts a lot and blows stuff up.  'Nuff said.

The Devil's Rejects

Ten minutes in, I thought this was going to be something special.  Then the train wreck known as "the rest of the movie" happened.

Die Another Day

There's something wrong when you go through a Bond movie and keep coming up with references to stuff they've made fun of in Austin Powers movies.  Or maybe not.

Dodgeball

There were two scenes I found myself laughing out loud...The decor in Kate's house, and the surprise reveal about Kate in the end.  The rest of this movie I spent wondering why people were laughing.

Dracula 2000

If you ever wonder what happened to the team that built those great Act III Theatres before Regal killed them, most of them are now the corporate team of Wallace Theatres, who also own Hollywood Theatres.  They even maintain the same corporate office address in Portland.  The Hollywood chain has a number of new plexes in the Midwest, and I saw "Castaway" at their Columbia, MO theatre.  Weird design...you enter at the top of the stadium tier and step down...and the darkest decor ever with black curtains, black carpet, black seats, black decorator lamps (the cheap tin can things)...black EVERYTHING.  (There are some yellow pin-dots in the seat fabric and carpeting).  The sound presentation was very non-digital, there were ceiling tiles missing, and the snack bar prices were ridiculous.  I don't know if this was built before or after the Wallace purchase (it's only a couple of years old), but if this is typical of what to expect from Wallace, I'm not a fan.  By the way, Drac 2000 is awful.

Drop Dead Gorgeous

It was a really hot summer and my air conditioning was broken, so I caved and saw a movie at Carmike's year-or-so-old "Southridge 12", in a "supposedly" THX-certified auditorium with a crappy little screen and a bright enough atmosphere you could actually read a book while the movie ran.  But the most amazing thing about this theatre...Where did Carmike find a seat manufacturer that had Burnt Sienna fabric in the year 1998?!?

Halfway through the movie, something happens to the film and we have a scratchy white stripe taking up fully 1/3 of the picture.  I go out to the lobby to complain, and the snack bar is dark, the ticket booth is closed, and there isn't an employee to be found ANYWHERE.  The film is never fixed (naturally) and I resolve never to give Carmike a dime again, just like the last time I went to a Carmike (see "Godzilla").

The Dukes of Hazzard

How desperate is Hollywood for movie ideas to be rehashing THIS for the screens of your multiplex?  Aw heck, it was fun anyway.

Elektra

RITE-AID?!?  The best product placement deal they could cut for this movie was for store brand goods at Rite-Aid?!?

Elizabethtown

It's basically a clone of "Garden State", but it's set in Kentucky instead of New Jersey, and the characters are more mainstream.  Oh...And it doesn't suck.

Enchanted

I'm the only guy in the auditorium.  I'm thinking the men dropped off the women on the way to see "No Country for Old Men".  I bet there's NO women in there.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I had a dream recently where I am entering a theatre auditorium with a friend, date, somebody.  I walk through the door...and suddenly find myself outside on a rooftop several miles away.  The door behind me doesn't go back to the theatre.  Movie companion is nowhere to be found.  I am focused on needing to get back to the theatre, but there are distractions all along the way and I keep having to remind myself of what I'm trying to accomplish.  This movie is a lot like that dream.  The movie has a far better ending though.  Actually, my dream doesn't HAVE an ending that I recall.

Evolution

The trailers are running at Fridley Springwood 9 and the frame is off-kilter.  Even this audience noticed, but nobody got up.  So I got up.  "Tell them to turn it up too!" somebody from the stadium tier yelled (the volume was really low).  The frame problem was fixed before the feature started and the volume was cranked.  REALLY cranked.  Same person who asked me to mention it yelled "Wow.  I guess they turned it up, huh!"  At least they fixed it...the first presentation problem I've ever reported at any Fridley plex that they actually bothered to fix.

Some movies are stupid in a good way, some in a bad way.  This movie is stupid in a good way.  I watch it a lot at home and it still cracks me up every time.

The Family Stone

Maybe I just didn't pay that close attention to the trailer...Am I the only one who thought this was supposed to be a romantic comedy?  Well, it isn't.  It's STUPID, though...

Fantastic 4

I'm trying to think of something witty to say, but I'm still geeking out from how awesome this was.  So stop reading this and GO SEE IT.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The Fantastic 4 take on a silver surfer dude who never actually says "Dude".  Bummer.

The Fast and the Furious

It could have been filmed exactly as is twenty years ago and played as a double-feature beside "Grand Theft Auto" at any drive-in and made perfect sense.  

2 Fast 2 Furious

Was Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces the set decorator? 

Fever Pitch

I walked out on this one for a number of reasons.  First...the dialogue was painfully bad.  Or maybe it was just Jimmy Fallon.  Either way...Wow.  Second...What dog, especially what single woman's dog...doesn't go crazy barking and defending territory when a strange man shows up at the door?  These things, plus the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm going to be forced to watch this when the DVD comes out, was reason enough for an early exit.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Uh, I liked the wavy hair...

Finding Nemo

I realize it's silly to ask, but...When making a movie with talking fish set in Australia, shouldn't the fish have Australian accents?!?

Finding Neverland

This is a wonderful film to immerse yourself into on a quiet, lonely day.  Naturally, I didn’t have a quiet, lonely day.

This is my second time at AMC Flat Iron Crossing 14, a plex I previously stated I wouldn’t mind avoiding because they charged $6 for the matinee, and they had a dreaded red diode shining in your face (see "Ali").  But Boss #23 gave me $20 in AMC gift cards somebody gave her and she couldn’t use (no AMC’s near us, you know).  She figured I could.  Of course, I could, silly.

So I show up for an 11:30am matinee on a Wednesday and there’s a huge line at the ticket counter.  There’s also several “Automated Ticket” stations that nobody ever uses, so I decide to try one of those.  You press information on the touch screen.  Touch touch touch touch touch touch touch…swipe the gift card…and a genuine AMC movie ticket spits out, along with a receipt.  Price for a Wednesday morning matinee…$7.00!  Wasn’t everybody complaining about EVENING shows going to $7.00 a couple years ago?

Off to the snack bar for popcorn and a soda, which burned another $7.50 from the gift cards.  A brief stop at the self-serve buttery topping machine later (where I at LEAST tripled the weight of the bag), and it’s off to Auditorium 9.

I’m at the top of the lower tier of the two-tier stadium setup.  There’s a woman sitting in the row below me to the right.  We’re the only people in the lower section.  This is a plot point, so save it for later.  Oh...and YAY!  No more red diodes.

The trailers start and for the second time out of two movies I’ve seen at this plex, tragedy strikes.  This time, the lamp doesn’t fire.  So we have audio and no picture.  I look up to the booth, where Booth Kid is staring at the lamphouse.  Then he stares under it, in front of it, behind it, and at it again.  Then he repeats.  About the time the third trailer starts, he gets on the radio.  While he’s talking on the radio, the lamp fires and he just about jumps out of his shoes.

Among the promos that run before the show is a cleverly produced piece advising people to turn off their cell phones.  It’s a surprise element disguised as a movie trailer, then suddenly “Nokia Tune” blares out of the left surrounds, and somebody in the movie trailer turns at the camera and says “It’s coming from the theatre!”.  The woman below me to the right turns around and glares at ME, as if it’s MY phone ringing.  That was a pretty effective commercial right there.

The movie starts and about five minutes in, loud explosions are heard.  I don’t think those should be a part of “Finding Neverland”.  The soundtrack of a movie in a nearby auditorium is clearly audible.  I don’t just mean the rumble…EVERYTHING can be heard.  So I get up and check the hallway.  Every auditorium door is open.  So I close the two auditorium doors opposite of my auditorium, then mine on the way back in.  Peace.

A couple of minutes later, two women with five kids walk in.  They stand at the entry and look at the upper tier, which is pretty full.  They look down at the lower tier.  There are five empty seats to my right.  There are eight empty seats to the left of the woman in the row below.  The two rows in front of us are completely empty.  So what do they do?  They seat the five kids to the right of me and sit themselves in two empty seats behind in the handicap row.  I now have a little girl around the age of five sitting next to me.

So the movie is playing.  There’s a couple sitting in the center handicap row seats behind me, and he’s a talker, especially when it comes to making points about the relationship triangle.  I’ve turned around and glared at him once or twice to no avail.  But when the little girl next to me turned around and gave him a dirty look, he shut right up and didn’t say a word the rest of the show.

Aside from the part where two of the older girls to my right whispered to each other, got up, marched to the adults and declared “We ALL want something to eat”, the show proceeded without incident.  As far as I know, we all lived happily ever after.

Firewall

Snack bar attendant is weighing bulk candy on the scale for a customer.  But she can't figure out how to read the weight.  So she bugs another guy working, who looks at the scale...and turns it around so the display isn't facing the wall.

Four Brothers

One good car chase in the snow...One bad movie surrounding it.

Frailty

I spent a lot of the movie going "Yeah but..." and "How come..." Then I ended up with "Ohhhhhhhh!".  A movie that can do that to me is a pretty good movie.

Fried Green Tomatoes

I was driving down U.S. 63 in Missouri when I passed the Macon Drive-In for the first time and fell in love.  "Fried Green Tomatoes" was on the marquee.  So every time I see that movie, I associate it with the Macon.   The Macon was a magical place, kind of a drive-in museum, with seating on a covered porch, a playground, and more original touches than any theatre I've ever been to.  It was my favorite drive-in anywhere.  The screen, in its original square wooden form, was destroyed in a storm just before the 2004 season.  I miss you already.

Frequency

When you go to a drive-in, you don't critique a film based on its believability.  So I picked a pretty good film to see at the Hillcrest in its last operating season.  The Hillcrest was in Cedar Falls, Iowa.  I was there in a big roomy minivan right in front of the snack bar, which was an unusual building  for its type.  The snack bar was laid out sideways with full picture windows down the length of the lines with a clear view of the screen on one side and the back of the lot on the other.  It appeared it might have had restaurant style seating along the windows at one time.  The lights along the outside were different colors, which reflected off the building.  It was very cool.

Frequency was a pretty good supernatural thriller.  It would probably play even better after 9/11 with its surroundings (Fireman, Policemen, and the lives of their families play heavily here, and it all has a very New York feel to it).

Friday Night Lights

I grew up on a remote island where football practically did not exist.  There was no school football league.  There was one organized youth football league for roughly junior high school age kids.  My father coached one of the teams, and I played exactly one season for exactly one reason...because he really wanted me to.  "If you don't, you'll regret it when you're older," he said.  I did my time in the Center position.  There was no drama of any kind...If somebody made a dramatic play that would result in a long distance run for a touchdown, it was blown dead and called a touchdown a couple seconds into the run.  You see, the most important thing about this league was that the games ended quickly so the adults could go back to the VFW hall and resume drinking.  Everything else was an afterthought.  No glory.  Nobody even showed up to watch.  I'm honestly not sure anybody even kept score.

Here is a movie looking at the polar opposite perspective.  It is a brilliant work.  It is so good at delivering its story that the theatre crowd was cheering along with the crowd on the screen.  This movie successfully displayed the passion for small-town football, and just how sad and pathetic it is.  Wake up, people.  You've got another eighty years of living to do.

From Hell

So I buy the ticket, they tear it, and as I'm walking to the auditorium, I notice that the tear on the bargain matinee ticket produced a slip that said "BARGAIN FROM HELL".  That STILL cracks me up.

Garden State

Our shiny new Century 20-plex is open.  It's all-THX with Electro-Voice speakers and improvements on the two biggest complaints I had about Century...the popcorn (real butter instead of that dry shake-on stuff I'd experienced previously) and fabulous new seats.  Tragically, Century hasn't adapted the two-tier stadium seating concept, but aside from that, it's good.  It's very good.  "Garden State"...not so good.  It feels to me like a movie made out of a parts bin of ideas for quirkiness in characters.  Plus it has a ton of gratuitous drug use, which is an immediate turn-off to me anyway.

Get Over It

Kirsten Dunst could probably make a movie where she is standing on a street corner for two hours in a full-length black trench coat and hat staring at a fire hydrant where dogs stop to piss periodically, and I'd watch it.  This movie wasn't quite that bad, but it was close.  It did have a great opening sequence though.

Get Smart

I see this...well, PART of it...at an old small town single screener, where apparently nobody but junior high school kids go to the movies.  Part way through the show, the lights flicker.  Then the projector lamphouse quits.  They get that going again, and after the dance scene, it dies again.  In the process of trying to reset the breakers, ALL of the building's power goes, and apparently cannot be restored.

So everybody got refunds.

Ghost Rider

12:05pm: We arrive and sit third row center. Wife #1 says "I'm not hungry, but I need a drink." Me: "Well, that happens sometimes." She leaves.

12:10pm: Movie is scheduled to start...and doesn't.

12:12pm: Large chatty family park themselves in the second row, taking all but three seats. They re-arrange themselves several times until they have the tallest person in the group sitting immediately in front of me. They chat loudly in Spanish all the way through the trailers, proving that "blah blah blah" is truly the universal language.

12:14pm: Wife #1 returns with a bottled water, looks at the people in front of us, and says "Guess who *I* was behind in line?" Then she looks at the screen and says "Why haven't the trailers started?"

12:17pm: Rolling stock (ads) start.

12:21pm: Ads abruptly stop and the house light (there's only one...it's a mercury vapor bulb in the center of the room, which I've always thought was an interestingly efficient design) goes on. People start shouting "REFUND!"

12:24pm: Ads resume.

12:25pm: Trailers start.

12:38pm: Actual movie starts. Row 2 shuts up. Row 4 doesn't. But everything else works through the actual feature, which was far more awesome than the critics would allow you to believe.

Ghost World

I know absolutely nothing about graphic novels, but I know of the Aimee Mann song of the same name.  Imagine my relief to hear of this movie and get an explanation of it all because I could make NO sense whatsoever of that song title until then.

Glory Road

Ticket Seller stares at me while I try to remember the name of the movie. I'm looking at the showtimes board and can't even find it. Deer in headlights. Finally Wife #1 says "Glory Road at 12:20." Ticket seller looks at both of us and asks "One?"

Here's a pretty formula "based on a true story" sports movie that goes through the motions as if they bought the script off the rack at "Movies R Us". It's nowhere near the league of "Miracle", let alone even remotely close to "Friday Night Lights". But it's a decent little feel-good effort.

God's Army 2: States of Grace

It really says something about the LDS film genre when I can go to two different movies at the same multiplex on the same night that feature the Los Angeles temple among their backdrops.  And that happened tonight.  Considering I was the only one watching, I'll be surprised if more moments like this one happen again soon.

Godzilla

Carmike to me is what Pepsi is to a Coke drinker...Intolerable.  But when they open a new plex, I'll give it a shot to see what's new.  So Carmike opened Wynnsong 16 the Wednesday Godzilla came out.  They had the big lizard running on 8 of the 16 screens.  So I go to the noon matinee more out of curiosity to see if Carmike has cleaned up their act.  They haven't.  The only thing worse than the theatre is the film itself.  That and their chatty, inconsiderate, completely worthless customers.

Good Night and Good Luck

Wow.  Did smoking used to be healthy or something?

Gothika

It’s a Friday night showing at 7:45pm and I arrive at the last minute.  But I figure “It’s been in theatres for a couple weeks and is in decline, so it shouldn’t be too bad.”  Sure enough, I get a ticket, but this film still managed to come within probably less than a dozen seats of packing a 250-seat auditorium at Megaplex 17.  Nonetheless, I end up with an aisle seat on the right side in the top of the lower stadium tier with an empty seat between me and the creepy girls to my left.

This movie managed to produce a number of scenes which sent the entire upper tier into girlish screams, followed by giggles of embarrassment.  It really was a lot better than it had a right to be, even in a 3.1 channel presentation (Left Front and Right Surround were out.)

Grease

Let's put this into perspective...

"O" was a fairly well received film that didn't really take off at the box office and ended up being a mediocre-at-best success (some may not even CALL it a success).  But that didn't stop the DVD release from being a two-disc set that included both widescreen and pan-and-scan versions of the film, director's commentary, cast and crew interviews, deleted scenes with commentary, comprehensive analysis of key basketball scenes, AND a whole additional movie..."the newly restored classic film "Othello".  

"Grease" is one of the most beloved movies in the history of movies.  It was cheap to produce for a reluctant company who didn't really know what to do with it, and it ended up being the most financially successful musical ever put to celluloid.  The wait for the film to appear on DVD took forever.  When it finally arrived, amidst a market that is used to receiving classic films with a vast array of extras, documentaries, and in-depth looks into the film, the Grease DVD included...the movie, the original trailer, and a 16-minute "barely covering the basics" cast-and-crew interview taken off the 20th Anniversary editions released four years previous.  Not to mention that Paramount actually released separate "widescreen" and "pan-and-scan" versions as opposed to making both available on the disc.  

Considering this is one of (if not THE) biggest jewels in the Paramount catalog, that it took five years from DVD's inception to get this movie onto DVD and have it be nothing more than a basic rehash of the 20th Anniversary edition laserdisc is an absolute atrocity.  Where's the trailer from the 20th Anniversary theatrical release?  Why not add the VH-1 Grease special (it might have been a "Behind the Music", I can't recall for sure)?  That doesn't even begin to cover the available materials that could have been included here.  Paramount claims another "special edition" is planned for 2004.  The only way you could possibly expect it to be better is if Paramount sells the rights to somebody else and lets THEM do it.

The Great Raid

Gee, "Hogan's Heroes" made POW camps look like a lot more fun.  Maybe it's just the Japanese POW camps vs. the German camps.  Those wacky Germans.

Grindhouse

The whole thing...both movies, the fake trailers...was awesome.  But the box office wasn't awesome, and now they're talking about re-releasing the two movies separately.  I don't think they'll work separately.  But if you get the chance to see these together with the whole fake trailer package...yeah!

Hairspray (2007)

Possibly the chickiest chick flick ever made.  105 minutes of uppitiness with about 17,562 dance numbers.  I about walked out twice.  Probably the most well done movie I've hated since "Chicago".

Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later

We're at the Council Bluffs Drive-In and there's this bratty little kid from the family parked next to us being as obnoxious as humanly possible.  He runs up between our lawn chairs and squashes our genuine PIC mosquito coil.  I'm about ready to kill the little punk, and it apparently shows, because his parents pack up and move their van elsewhere on the lot.  On top of this, the movie sucks, the drive over sucked, pretty much everything about the day sucked.  Yet I still find a moment when I am standing just to the right of the fenced area in front of the projection/snack bar building, looking at the stars. I take a deep breath, and thank the Lord for one perfect moment in time.  Treasure those moments for all they're worth.

The Happening

This one appeared to be going into "Mist" territory.  Thankfully, it didn't.  Yet it still sucked.

Happily N'Ever After

I saw this because I had some time to kill while new tires were being installed on my car, and its start time and length fit my timetable best.  I should have settled for something more off the timetable.  Or hung out at the food court.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

I read an article that said White Castle requested exactly one script change before giving their blessing to this project...There was a scene written in where Harold and Kumar get to a White Castle after it's closed.  White Castle claimed that wasn't likely because White Castles are, and always have been, open 24 hours.  But I can tell you from personal experience that it IS possible.  I rolled into Kansas City on a "bad mood, calm down" White Castle run of my own, only to discover White Castle had pulled out of the market that week and closed all their stores.  So I got some chili at Steak n' Shake and headed east on I-70 to the next closest White Castle market, St Louis, where I ultimately ended up going to Jack in the Box and Del Taco instead.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

All of this mystery and hoopla around a piece of violin rosin?  That's what the stone looks like in the end.  This was my first experience with a movie in SDDS-8.  It wasn't exactly the revolution that my first Dolby Digital experience was.  The movie has become a regular favorite in my DVD player.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"Because when the tickets are DAMP, the tickets don't TEAR."  Words to live by from the frustrated kid tearing tickets for us at Megaplex 17 at Jordan Commons.  We're there for ya brother.  He could have torn another ticket for me at the next showing.  I LOVED that movie.

Billy Joe's Pitcher Show is sort of in the theatre-pub format.  It's a single-screen theatre of your standard 80's-build dimension with a decent sized screen.  The seating is bar-style with round cocktail tables and swivel chairs covered in brown vinyl.  Waitresses come in just before the show starts and take food orders.  They return throughout the show to bring the food and take any additional orders.  Just before the show ends, they come in with the food ticket and you pay them.  The movie sound is lousy, the food is greasy, smokers are smoking, and there's a certain amount of casual chat.  At the same time, kids are here with parents.  Billy Joe's seems to play a lot of kids fare.  The movies are second-run with tickets at $3.50.  The people atmosphere comes off more like a drive-in than it does a bar.  In a way, it's kind of charming.  I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the second time here with the usual suspects.  We had bad pizza, curly fries, mozzarella sticks, and two pitchers of orange soda.  It was a ton of fun.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

HEY!  I didn’t know Dolby had a new trailer out.  Those “Stomp” guys sure have milked that gimmick for all its worth, haven’t they. 

Most critics who had once given Potter films four stars gave this one three or three and a half.  I guess they feel the need to back off a bit in continuously handing out perfect ratings for this series.  Which is stupid.  The hippogriff was worth four stars alone.  

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Megaplex 17 converted the "Cricket Super Screen" to IMAX, which is awesome.  They did two things that suck too...They took out the green couch, and they debuted "reserved seating".  If you buy your tickets at the box office, they show a computer map of the seats and you choose from what's available.  If you use the website or ticket kiosks around the building, your seats are picked FOR you.  When you pick seats, and you pick incorrectly, you get situations like the family sitting to my right.

"Dad, why did you pick these seats?"

"So we could see."

"Well my friends and I sat up there last time and it was PERFECT!"

"Fine. We can move."

"No we can't. Those seats cost more."

"No they don't."

"Yes they do, Dad."

"I don't think so."

"Well you're wrong."

So they stayed. By the way, she's wrong. And there was plenty of empty seats. Another couple in our aisle DID get up and move to the upper tier seating after the movie started.

This is the first Potter movie I have no desire to see a second time. It was good, and I'll be getting the DVD, but it does come off as being cut quite a bit. And elements of the tournament really bugged me. I'm not going to get into them.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I saw this twice...once in IMAX (partial 3-D) and once in DLP.  The DLP looked better.  The IMAX print looked really rough.  The movie itself moved slowly and Delores Umbridge absolutely drove me up the wall.  Still...better than "Goblet of Fire".

Hellboy

Did you know that the reason all the drive-ins closed is because YOU didn't buy enough $3.00 popcorn? So says a trailer they ran before the movie at the Holiday Twin Ft Collins. Don't you feel bad now? Not really? Me neither. Yet I still managed to spend $8.75 at the snack bar, and I was ALONE.

Herbie Rides Again

As a child, the ritual was as follows: We pile into the car and head right past the Canyon Drive-In and into the Safeway parking lot, where the cheapest pop and potato chips are procured and an angry old father proclaims "These are our snacks, and I don't want to hear ONE WORD about the snack bar!"  But as always, we end up getting popcorn and a Coke to share anyway.  It's still one of my favorite movies.

Herbie: Fully Loaded

I have no idea who Lindsay Lohan is, but she's CUTE!

Hero

Here's the whole movie in a nutshell...A guy assassinates three assassins.  The King allows him to come forth and explain what he did.  "Well, I killed the first dude, then I tricked the other two into thinking one was cheating on the other, so one killed the other, then I killed her while she was distraught."  "BRILLIANT!  But you lie.  I think you conspired with them to sacrifice their lives to get close enough to assassinate me!"  "True, but they're not really dead.  We just tricked you into thinking they're dead."  "NUTS!"  Then they have this whole "Peace Love and Understanding" babble fest, the King convinces the assassin not to kill him, and the King has the assassin killed anyway.  I am SO voting for Bush.

Highlander: Endgame

There was a story about Act III building "Movies on TV" in the Portland Business Journal way back when, talking about how they might do a theme around television in the design.  Sounded really neat.  I finally saw it in September 2000, when the fourth "Highlander" movie came out.  The end result was no theme at all...just another monsterplex in Act III guise (not really a BAD thing actually) which Regal Cinemas is running into the ground.

The Hindenburg

1975: The parents of a friend took us to the Westgate Cinemas in Beaverton to see this classic.  You know at the end when they do the "class photo" thing and as each photo goes up say "dead" or "survived"?  So we're going along..."dead" "dead" "dead" "survived" "dead" "dead" "survived" and you KNOW everybody's waiting for the dog.  So finally they get to the end, pause a second, and the dog photo pops up to "survived".  The whole audience went "Aaaaaawwww".

A History of Violence

It's pretty cool, but David Lynch should have directed this.  Seriously.  Lynch would have taken this from good to EXTREME.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

My previous experience with "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" is that the book was perpetually displayed in the window of a head shop that was along a path I walked regularly.  I figured that's all I needed to know going into the movie.  I was right.  

Hitman

Bret "Hitman" Hart was a professional wrestler from a legendary family.  His father Stu ran a wresting school out of the family basement and trained many eventual legends.  Bret himself was a champion in the WWF before moving to WCW for more money after a scandalous ending to his final WWF match where the scripted ending was changed without Bret's knowledge, apparently because he didn't want to drop the belt.  It would make a great movie.

But this movie has absolutely nothing to do with Hart.  It's about some video game.

That blows.

Holes

FRONT ROW JOE!  FRONT ROW JOE!  HOLY CRAP CINEMARK RESURRECTED FRONT ROW JOE!  Apparently Cinemark's solution to the long-missing "Best Seat in Town" intro trailer just before the movie plays is a new trailer with a still of Front Row Joe (sans Popcorn Penny...Where'd She Go) hawking the "Cinemark Summer Movie Clubhouse", which features a bunch of cheap flicks during the summer for kids.  Wait a minute...KIDS?  They want KIDS to come here?!?  Nooooooo!  

Whaddaya mean "Holes" is a kids movie?  Well okay, but it still ruled.

I still want the "Best Seat in Town" Cinemark trailer on DVD.  And the older "Front Row Joe" one from the purple days too.  In 5.1 digital, darn it.

Hollywood Homicide

Holy crap!  The Valle Drive-In got an intermission clock!  This is even better than when they added DTS!  That more than makes up for this blah movie.  It wasn't terrible, sure, but it wasn't GREAT either.

Hostel

I've been walking around with minor sinus blockage and a headache for about a week now. The cold finally hit full-on over the weekend. So this morning before I go to work, I find a package of store-brand cold/allergy relief stuff in the bathroom. Little white pills. I take one and vamoose. The pills are...weird. My sinuses clear up and the headache is gone, but I feel like I'm wasted or something. The front of my face is numb. And I'm kind of feeling paranoid.

Two hours at the office later, I walk into my boss's office and say "I need to leave." I'm walking very slow by now. She says "Feel better". I go home and take another one of these pills. Then I sleep for three hours and have some seriously messed up dreams.

So I wake up and sit in my chair with my eyes shut. My mind is a complete void. I'm moving very slowly. verrrrry slooooly. And suddenly the solution to my problems is to to go see "Hostel". Perhaps a horror flick will be just the thing to cure me. I take ANOTHER pill and head for the cinema.

The ticket seller says "Flahhb lahhb flur flom flaahhb?" and I just stare. Because I can't remember why I'm here, mostly. Oh yeah. "One for Hostel".

Then I went to the snack bar. The SELF-SERVE snack bar. Which is confusing enough when I'm coherent. I somehow ended up with a hot dog and an ICEE. Mmmm. ICEE.

Available seats: 500. Attendance: 6. I think. I should just go up in front of the screen and lay down. "Brokeback Mountain" is playing next door, and there's some SERIOUS subwoofer leakage coming from there. Must be the sex scene.

Anyway, the trailers started, the sound immersed me, I sort of closed my eyes periodically, and suddenly everything was better. Except that the trailers that played before the feature all seemed like the most awesome movies ever. I'm pretty sure they weren't. One of them is from "WWE Films". The wrestling company. Those guys need to hire a new sound mixer. That trailer has NO punch to it at all.

The movie starts out with some classic rock song, which about a minute into, I realized I was singing out loud. Oops.

Anyway, it was really bloody and gross and full of body parts and had a plausible story line and I liked it and I'm not sure if it's because of those pills or not and I'm going to Cold Stone now.  BYE.

Hostel Part II

Frank Zappa once suggested to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys that they get together a produce a giant spider movie told "from the spider's perspective".  To a degree, that's how Hostel Part II works.  To a degree.  Otherwise, it's kind of campy compared to the first one.

Hot Fuzz

Greatest remake of the Stepford Wives EVER!  Also the greatest remake of Revenge of the Stepford Wives.  Of course, it's the ONLY remake of Revenge of the Stepford Wives...

The House of Sand and Fog

Kingsley and Connelly deliver awesome performances in a beautifully shot film with a great big gaping hole that I could not get around...$45,000.  I mean, the county basically admitted they screwed up, right?  This was over $500, right?  So why aren't they, at a minimum, handing her $45,000 right off the bat?  She can STILL try to pursue getting the house back, or getting another $150,000 out of them for fair market value, but what sense does it make that she's running around homeless?

Oh well.  Did I mention Kingsley TOTALLY ruled in this movie?

Hulk (2003)

Here's an original idea...A superhero movie with crappy effects but really great DIALOGUE.  It actually plays better at home on DVD where the effects aren't as obviously bad on the smaller screen.  Actually, that means it probably also looked okay at the Carmike.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Here's an original idea...A superhero movie with great effects but really crappy DIALOGUE.  I mean, this was bad dialogue even for a superhero movie.

The Ice Harvest

Some idiot on the way out compared this to "Fargo".  This isn't a TENTH what "Fargo" was.  One of the bigger disappointments of the year.

Identity

It rules when you can correctly guess the villain in the movie...and STILL not guess the ultimate surprise.

The Incredibiles

I always liked the girls who put their hair in their face. Why does everybody want them to wear their hair back? Stupid conformists.

Independence Day

"Hey mister?  What's that bright light that keeps going off in your car?"  Oops!  Left the flash on.  I was at the North Star Drive-In, Ogden, UT (since closed)  taking pictures of the property for my old Drive-In Theatre Guide website when the little girl came over and asked.  The movie was the biggest, dumbest movie I had ever seen, a distinction since topped by "Godzilla" (by the same film makers) and maybe "Armageddon".

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

THIS cost $185 million to make?!?  Roger Corman could have made it for $18.5 million...and HE would have used real gophers. 

Inland Empire

The couple in front of me ask for tickets to "Island Empire". Ticket Girl corrects them, and they seem concerned. Then she says "People have been walking out of it all day. It's three hours long and it's REALLY weird."

Me: "Inland Empire please. I promise not to walk out."

Ticket Girl giggles.

I kept the promise, but was kind of sorry I made it in the first place.

Inside Man

Trailer looks like a formula bank hostage movie with the usual drama, conflict climax, shootout.  Don't be fooled by the trailer, and prepare to have fun.  It's not brilliant, but it is clever.

Insomnia

The girl who played the hotel clerk in the movie said it all when she said “There are two types of people in Alaska…Those who are born here, and those who came here to get away from something.”  That is SO true.

Intermission

It's basically "Love Actually" as a low-rent dark comedy with violence and a lot of pints of Guinness.  Which, yes, DID make it better.

Intolerable Cruelty

The scheduled movie start time is 12:40, but it's 12:54 before the movie starts if you discount the time the trailers ran.  Nearly fifteen minutes of trailers that had one common thread...They all sucked.  That's not very promising for the leg up to Winter.  That also doesn't count David Goldstein, the set painter who whines about piracy before every show.  SHUT UP already.  It makes you WANT to start a piracy ring and drive the industry out of business personally.

Iowa

Some Guy and his girlfriend sit behind me and she says "Now be sure to point yourself out to me so I don't miss it." He says "I'm pretty sure I was cut." "But you're listed on IMDB." "I know, but I think that's a SAG thing. You have to be credited even though you're cut." I didn't see him in it. Loser.

Iron Man

Moral of the story...Chicks dig assholes?  Who didn't already know that.

Irreversible

Two guys are talking as they exit the auditorium and one says to the other "See, that's what I like about foreign films.  They're subtle."  Yeah.  Right.

The Island

You know your local multiplex doesn't have much faith in the new releases when they leave last week's releases...one of which was "Wedding Crashers"...in the big auditoriums and regulate "The Island" to Auditoriums 1 and 3.  Even the weekend box office statistics agreed.

The Italian Job

I kept comparing this to Ocean's Eleven, which like this film had an all-star cast pulling an impossible theft.  Ocean's Eleven was suave.  Italian Job comes off as something of a wannabe.  It's not a bad movie, but it isn't Ocean's Eleven.

Jackie Brown

Screen-happy AMC opened a 24-plex in Omaha and the joint was jumping on a Saturday night.  The only place four could sit together was in the very front row, stage left.  This is when I figured out where AMC puts their speakers because I could look up and actually see them.  They're up on the top of the wall, corner-mounted against the ceiling, pointed down at an angle.  But it sounds better than Carmike or Regal, so who am I to argue.

Jersey Girl

I am the ONLY: Male at this movie, and: Person over the age of 20.  And all the girls are giggly.  THIS at a Kevin Smith film?!?  

Juno

Everybody seemed to enjoy the seventeen minutes of romantic comedy trailers before the movie ran, even though they all looked like horrible cliche pieces of crap.  I wonder if they'd watched those same trailers AFTER watching the brilliant Juno if they'd still feel the same way.

Just Like Heaven

This movie may very well encompass every bad chick flick cliche there is. This includes: A girl sitting in a spectacular garden like a princess, a car wreck we don't actually get to see (and therefore enjoy), a music score more annoying than supermarket muzak, an overly evil male that every woman stereotypes every male as the second the relationship doesn't go exactly the way they've envisioned every relationship should go since they were seven, and an eclectic book store.

Kill Bill Vol. 1

I'm glad Miramax split "Kill Bill" into two movies.  The action in Vol. 1 just drains you anyway, and you are left with something to look forward to.  And BOY am I looking forward to Vol. 2, because Vol. 1 is off-the-chart awesome.

Kill Bill Vol. 2

If this had been a single movie instead of being split in two, I don't think I would have made it to the end.  Vol. 2 just seems to plod along to me.  The final scenes with Bill are brilliant, but so much of what led up to it just seemed absurd to me, and not in a fun way.

King Kong (2005)

One girl leaving the auditorium said to her friend, "..And during the whole dinosaur stuff...If I were King Kong, I would have told her she was too high maintenance and dumped her!"   EXACTLY!

King Kong Lives

Yvonne and I went to pay tribute to the Empire, a great old movie theatre in downtown Grand Forks, ND (my home at the time) when they announced they were closing.  Unfortunately, this was to be their last movie.  But shortly after closing, the Empire got a second lease on life when Midco lost their lease on their dollar house across the river.  The Empire re-opened a couple months later as a dollar house.  So it is with poetic justice I can say that "King Kong Lives" was NOT the last movie to grace the screen of the Empire.

Kissing Jessica Stein

Hollywood teaches us that a good romantic comedy has a fairy-tale ending.  We went into the theatre to feel good.  We see the realization, the kiss, the credits roll, and thanks for coming.  Works every time.  That’s why “hit-music” radio stations get away with playing the stupidest songs in the world every 88 minutes.  We’re all shallow like that.  But when the fairy-tale ending happens and the movie keeps GOING, you KNOW you're in trouble.  Such is "Kissing Jessica Stein", which is out to make a bigger point than two women falling in love.  And I guess we had to have it coming the way Jessica's hang-ups were delved upon.  You do have an out though.  You can just leave when Jessica and Helen walk off the rooftop and into the stairwell. So I guess this could be a multi-purpose movie.  You can go shallow, or you can watch the whole thing.  This will totally mess up the heads of focus groups...

A Knights Tale

Edwards Cinemas Grand Teton 14 in Idaho Falls looks like a big casino.  The lobby is spacious and has a lot of marble accents.  Really nice.  Then you go into the auditoriums and, if you go into Auditorium 9, laugh hysterically.  There on the side walls you will see a mural made of some sort of felt material (or carpeting).  The mural scene is of the mountains, a few trees, and...spotlighted...a moose.  A big moose.  The whole thing looks like it was put together by elementary school kids out of crepe paper.  Here we saw "A Knights Tale", a medieval road flick where jousting fans sing Queen songs.  I guess the moose wasn't so out of place after all.

Knocked Up

The guy who wrote and directed "The 40-Year Old Virgin" did this one too, and it's not QUITE as good, but bloody well close.  

Kung-Fu Hustle

Shaky projectors are BAD when you're watching a subtitled movie.  BAD BAD BAD.

Ladder 49

BEFORE THE MOVIE:  We are at the always open Century satellite snack bar, where two big bags of un-popped popcorn have been wheeled in.  "What's that for?" asks guy manning snack bar.  "They told me to bring it here," said guy wheeling the cart.  "Why?  The popper back here doesn't work!"  "Well they told me to bring this back here."  "What are we supposed to do with it?"  "I don't know!"  "Why don't you bring us some drink cups?  We could use those!"

AFTER THE MOVE: A manager and an employee are in the hallway.  "What are you doing just standing here?"  "I wasn't!" "You're supposed to check the garbage cans!" "I did!  They're fine!"  "You're never supposed to be just standing around!"  "I checked them.  They're fine!"  "If you don't have anything to do, you're supposed to FIND something to do!"  This went on as long as it took me to leave the auditorium, walk to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, and leave.  Not once in that time was I out of earshot of the argument.  

REAL professional there, guys.

Latter Days

About halfway through, the film stops and the house lights go up.  People look around.  One person eventually gets up and goes to the lobby.  Returns a few minutes later.  Nothing happens.  Second person gets up.  Comes back.  Nothing happens.  Ten minutes later, I head for the lobby.  There's nobody to be found.  The snack bar is dark.  The office is locked.  On my way to the door I think goes to the projection booth, I spot two employees smoking outside.  I open the door.  A guy best described as Mini Buddy Holly (complete with glasses) says "Uh, can I help you?"  "Yes.  Is anybody working on the film break in (auditorium) 4?"  "It broke?"  Suddenly he darts past me, through the projection room door, up the stairs, and across the lobby ceiling above.  The movie is going again before I get back to the auditorium.

On the way out, Mini Buddy Holly intercepted me in the lobby.  "Sorry about that, sir.  The lightning must have kicked the breaker off."

The Ladykillers

The first thing I learned while watching this movie is that I'm apparently developing an aversion towards foul language, which this movie was so full of early on that three people walked out.  That period of the movie almost had me wondering if somebody stuck a reel from a different movie in it.  The second thing I learned during this movie is that...well...I didn't really learn anything else.  Worst Coen Bros movie ever, except MAYBE for Barton Fink.

Land of the Dead

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Zombies.

Lara Croft - Tomb Raider

We're in the front row at the Council Bluffs Drive-In in the lawn chairs...I'm digesting the dozen or so cookies I ate at the Golden Corral buffet and there are groups of people having fun on the lawn in front of the screen.  They're not friends, they didn't come together...they don't know each other...but almost EVERY ONE of these groups are throwing XFL footballs.

Lara Croft - Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life  

Amongst the ridiculous number of commercials that aired before the trailers was a commercial about piracy.  They had a set painter talking about the subject in a "you're really hurting the little guy" type-deal.  Apparently the fuss is over people who sneak in camcorders and videotape movies as they run in theatres, then they sell them on the street or offer them for download on the various Napster-like sites.  I don't personally get the attraction to such pirated copies for a few reasons...One, I love going to the movies.  Two, I like a quality presentation.  And even though most theatres don't put on what I consider to be a quality presentation, it sure as heck beats a flickery, snowy image with mono sound that includes the audience coughing.  Besides...Movies are a relative bargain in most of the world anyway.  I can still see the latest releases in a good digital surround presentation for under $5.  I can still buy the movies I love on DVD for under $15, and in most cases via the "Pre-Viewed" copies at major video stores, under $10.  Sure, the latest film releases won't be available at home for six months, but they will be available, and nobody is going to die based on your ability to watch said releases in your home during that time frame.

The Lara Croft movies are a lot of fun if you understand that, while they look like direct rip-offs of the Indiana Jones movies, Lara is really more of a James Bond personality-wise.  Suave.  Yeah.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

If you walked into the auditorium and did nothing more than look up at the stadium seating, you would think this show sold out.  If you walked into the auditorium and did nothing more than look down at the slope seating, you would think you had a private screening.  Apparently, people are so in love with stadium seating that they'll willingly cram together rather than sit in a slope section and have plenty of breathing room.  Regardless of where you sat, your opinion of the movie was likely: Good if you're under 12, Bad if you're over 12.  If you are presently the age of 12, you could probably go either way.  Weirdo.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Once upon a time, retail in America happened in one place…downtown.  Then somebody invented interstate highways, which in turn spawned suburbs, which in turn spawned shopping malls.  Shopping malls killed downtown.  In Lakewood, Colorado, a mall called Villa Italia opened in 1966 to throngs of shoppers.  For over 30 years the mall thrived or survived but finally was crumbled by a wrecking ball.  Planned for its place: Belmar, a “lifestyle center” with a city grid of two-lane streets and sidewalks, three-story buildings right up along the sidewalks with ground-level retail and upper level business and residential space, parallel parking, and parking garages.  I am not exaggerating in any way when I say that Lakewood tore down a shopping mall and built a downtown.  A downtown full of the usual mall shops and trendy restaurants, mind you. 

Century bit on the concept and opened 16 screens.  I had a Century gift certificate.  Off to the movies.

The gift certificate was for $8.25,  the price of an evening admission at my local Century.  But Belmar charges $9.  So I go to the box office and hand the gift certificate and 75 cents to the elderly woman selling tickets.  “Oh dear!” she exclaims.  “I can’t input 75 cents.” 

You see, Century Belmar’s ticket prices are all even dollar amounts.  So apparently they didn’t configure their ticket machines to handle anything but dollar amounts.  That, or she just doesn’t know how. 

So I ask “If I give you a dollar, can you enter that in?”  “Yes, but I can’t give you change” as she shows me a literally empty coin drawer. At which point the guy in line behind me immediately offers a quarter.  “Oh God Bless you!” she says as she snaps it out of his hand.  But this doesn’t make any sense either.  I had quarters.  So while I’m formulating the wording in my head for “Can’t I just give you the 75 cents, then you enter a dollar, and it will say for you to give me a quarter, but you won’t really have to and your drawer will be even?”, she enters what she wants to in, hands me my ticket, and sends me on my way.  I hope that guy got his quarter back. 

I enter the auditorium and am apparently a little early, because the credits are rolling from the previous show.  Most exhibitors clear the auditorium and hold you in a standby line while they clean.  Not Century.  There’s no cleaning crew to be seen and no standby lines.  So I go in, sit down, and fire up Snake on my phone.  The cleaning crew shows up a few minutes later and just works around me as if I’m not there.  “Dude, 16 was a mess!”  “I just cleaned 8.  It wasn’t bad, but it’s BIG.” Some Girl walks in.  “Hey guys, did you clean 16?”  “Yeah.  It was a mess!”  A few other patrons show up, and that’s just fine with the cleaning crew.  On their way out, one says “See you guys later.  Enjoy your show!” 

“The Royal Tenenbaums” is one of my favorite movies of all time, so I had high hopes here.  While it was possibly the most absurd thing I’ve seen all year, it would have been better if they cut every scene that didn’t have Angelica Huston in it.  

Little Miss Sunshine

You know what I don't understand? Why Toni Collette is attractive. She IS attractive...I just can't figure out WHY.

Little Nicky

So we're buying tickets and the uber-cute girl manning the next ticket booth over leans in and says "THAT MOVIE IS AWESOME!"  She was right.  Nobody else thought so, but I'm there for ya.

Live Free or Die Hard

Advertised start time of movie: 12:00.  Actual start time of movie: 12:29.  HOW MANY TV COMMERCIALS AND MOVIE PREVIEWS DO WE FREAKING NEED ALREADY?!?

The Longest Yard

Girl at ticket window is talking on her cell phone.  Is that really a good example for theatre patrons?  "Blah blah blah blah...blah blah...Hi!"  "Two for The Longest Yard, please."  "Ten fifty.  Thank you.  Blah blah blah blah..."

The original is a movie Burt Reynolds is long remembered for.  The remake is one Adam Sandler won't be remembered for.  But it was still an okay way to kill a morning.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Lorraine Theatre is in Hoopeston, IL.  Enter town from the south on State Hwy 1 and you will find the town is large enough to support a McDonald’s and a Pamida.  Pass the homes and parks until you see N Main St, most recognizable by the “BUSINESS DISTRICT” sign pointing right.  Turn right.  Go straight through town.  If it’s evening, you might see a few businesses open, the bar, the Subway, and the Lorraine's second screen (but that's not where you're going so just pass it by).  And just as you hit the end of downtown on your left is a lovely old theatre that looks pretty well taken care of.  Buy your ticket.  Adore the charming lobby.  Enter the theatre and be shocked at how beautiful and artful it is (ignoring the water stains).  Have a seat.  And when the movie starts, be blown away by the HPS-4000 system with SDDS-8 digital sound.

I already knew about all of this and had planned for the past couple of years to get down to Hoopeston and see a movie here.  I’ve corresponded with the owner on several occasions.  So finally I find myself nearby and I see a movie here, and they just HAVE to be showing the second Lord of the Rings film.  So it didn’t really bother me that I missed the first half hour completely, or that I only watched an hour of the film in total before I had to leave or bust out laughing at the absurdity of what I was seeing.  This theatre was worth it, and well worth your time if you ever find yourself passing Danville, IL on I-74.  Just go north about 30 miles.  It’s worth it.  It really is.

Lord of War

Wife #1's comment as we left the theatre..."So was that a propaganda film FOR guns, or AGAINST guns?"  

Lost in Translation

Wow.  Japan sucks.

Love Actually

Cinemark’s brand new monsterplex in American Fork, Utah had all the latest Cinemark amenities, which were largely just minor running changes in décor nobody but me would notice, but included self-serve “buttery topping” machines.  This isn’t such a good idea in my mind because Cinemark’s snack bar staff are as consistent chain-wide at providing my favorite balance of buttery topping as they are trying to upgrade you to a large drink for just a quarter more.  So when Wife #1 says “…And lots of butter” while ordering, the guy points out the self-serve machines and hands her a half-empty popcorn bag.  “You can butter it up and then I’ll fill the rest of the bag”.  WOW.  This guy is good.  I topped, he filled, I topped again.  And I can safely say I can’t top the popcorn as well as the Cinemark snack bar professional.  Nuts.  I TOLD you this was a bad idea…

The Man who Wasn't There

One of the guys on the KSL Movie Show complained that Billy Bob Thornton's character didn't have many lines.  For crying out loud, he NARRATED THE WHOLE STUPID MOVIE!  The beauty of this is that you get to see an example of one of those guys who you wonder about...they're always there, they never say much, and you just wonder what it is they're thinking.  Here, we get to know!  It's brilliant!  I don't know why I'm the only one who gets this.

The Majestic

Question for Cinemark: If I say right now that no, I do not want to upgrade my medium soda to a large for just a quarter more today, yesterday, or tomorrow, will you PLEASE STOP ASKING?!?